“The main hangup in the world today is hypocrisy and insecurity. If people can’t face up to the fact of other people being naked or smoking pot, or whatever they want to do, then we’re never going to get anywhere. People have got to become aware that it’s none of their business and that being nude is not obscene. Being ourselves is what’s important. If everyone practiced being themselves instead of pretending to be what they aren’t, there would be peace.” – John Lennon
Although it has taken me a while to really emotionally accept & appreciate that there can be so many diverse, yet equally valid, healthy and "appropriate" ways of relating, I now understand how essential respecting this diversity is to being a sane, truly loving & respectful person.
Much of my life I chose monogamy for myself in intimate relationships. Even when partners were not so monogamous. And unfortunately at times my attitude about nonmonogamous, more open ways of loving were a bit rigid and judgmental. After years of maturing, uncovering & transforming more of my own personal subconscious fears & culturally supported blinding biases related to love, jealousy, intimacy, self-worth, freedom and relating in other contexts with people choosing & enjoying more open, diverse ways of loving, intimate relating, many of the distorting fearful presumptions & dogma I held on to about the only "right" way of relating being "my" way at the time, being monogamy and only after being friends for a certain period of time first, released their blinding grip on my mind.
Thankfully this released much physical tension, mental & emotional anxiety and overreactions to people simply living & kindly offering ways of relating which were different than what I was used to, I was subconsciously perceiving & relating to others from.
Now I am now able to embrace an acceptance, appreciation and respect for the fact that the only real criteria for whether ways of relating are healthy and "appropriate, is whether at the specific time of relating that two, or more, people are relating with each other, they are both choosing to be open to this with each other.
And if one or more decide they don't want a certain way of relating, then of course it is such persons responsibility to honestly, mutually respectfully & directly tell the person(s) they are being asked, already or considering relating with, the specifics of what they want differently. Since most of us are not mind readers, and what people want and are appreciatively comfortably open to varies diversely from person to person and moment to moment.
When our hearts & minds are truly open and loving, even sharing imtate loving affection emotionally and physically with someone we have just met, when they are also open to experiencing loving, healthy emotional openness and intimate kindness in themselves and to exploring with us, can be an equally appropriate, growthful, enjoyable & healthy way of relating & learning. Even if we decide later we don't want to continue, our openeness at the time was not bad, "wrong" or "sinful", even if some acquired social, religious or other subconscious or conscious judgments & limiting "norms" may induce feelings of unnatural shame, guilt or fear in us which we may misplace into the ( at the time ) consensual relating experience(s).
Obviously if we relate with someone in ways they express or otherwise seem at the time being open to and appreciating, but later they change their perceptions of it in their minds, feel their choice was out of the norm for them or otherwise undesired, if they accuse us of mistreating them or violating their at the time unstated boundary, we would rightly feel lied to, mislead and abused.
Since at the time of relating they never told us they didn't want however we were trusting their adult choice to be open with us.
And we even asked them while relating for them to at any time while relating tell us if they want anything different, don't want something, are they comfortable, and they always said yes and even right after relating they were expressing gratitude for whatever experience of relating they shared with us. And had they told us no, I don't want x, we would have immediately not shared or given x.
Sometimes some ways & experiences of relating we or / and others learn through experience we don't want, or maybe we do but are not yet ready for them, or we are, or in a different context.
But that does not change the love, enjoyment, appropriateness and respect that existed in the process of learning through relating originally.
To be blamed by someone for our caring & trusting enough to be open to sharing & giving to them with kindness what at the time seemed and was expressed as consensual, is of course abusive, dishonest and harmful. Would we want people to mislead then blame us like that?
People are diverse, and we can only know & trust what we are told by them at the time they are comfortably open to with us. We all need to own our feelings and communication with each other.
And respect that learning through relating in diverse ways with someone(s), even if we decide later ( or did not communicate our boundaries honestly at the time ) we want a different way(s) of relating or with different people, is respectful and not something or someone to shame, fear, negatively judge or condemn. But to respect, appreciate and be kindly grateful for.