Making assumptions and taking them personally creates a lot of emotional poison, and this creates a whole big drama for nothing. We make assumptions, we believe we are right about our assumptions, and then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong. We even assume we are right about something to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position.
Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, a lot of misunderstandings with people we supposedly love.
Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don’t have to say what we want. We assume they are going to do what we want because they know us so well. If they don’t do what we assume they should do, we feel hurt and say, “How could you do that? You should have known.” In any kind of relationship we can make the assumption that others know what we think, and we don’t have to say what we want. Most of the time, these assumptions are made so fast and unconsciously because we have agreements to communicate this way. We have agreed that it is not safe to ask questions; we have agreed that if people love us, they should know what we want or how we feel. "
- Don Miguel Ruiz, from The Four Agreements.
It is such a strange, disheartening and abusive dynamic when someone projects their attachment to being seen as a "victim" in certain ways into how they act with others who are loving, respecting of & even directly state a need from them while relating for honestly, clearly verbally stated communication of their personal and sometimes changing boundaries & preferences in each moment. That such people, even when given full permission and clear request from someone relating with them to honestly clearly mutually respectfully communicate their subjective personal boundaries & preferences in any relational context ( since people are in truth widely diverse in how they interpret and what they are comfortable with and appreciatively enjoy ) at any time they have them during relational experiences, and they assure they will do so, but then don't until after they choose to feel offended and upset that the person trusted them to communicate before they reached that point.
It is arrogantly erroneously & abusively acting and relating to people as if no other range of appreciative openess and comfort with different experiences than their own vaguely or not at all stated limits & preferences at one moment can possibly exist or be equally valid. So even when directly asked & told by someone relating with them to simply own their responsability for honestly, mutually respectfully clearly verbally communicating at each & any new moment if they have a boundary & preference where it is so that it - they can be understood & respected, they abusively and passive aggressively manipulatively act out their victim hood complex by misleading someone into relating or doing something in some way that they don't want at that moment ( which many other people do love and enjoy ). But which they don't clearly say so until after they lead them into unintentionally relating in such way that they don't want to. Then turn around and act like they are a victim, when by doing so they were actually the dishonest, passive aggressively manipulative abuser of someone who was & is totally loving, respectful and trusting them to know, own & honestly communicate their subjective and maybe changing personal boundaries, preferences and perspectives in each moment so they can be understood and respected for the sake of both people's comfort and harmony.
Be directly, mutually respectfully honest. It is so important. It is essential to healing relationships, as what some interpret as neutral or undesirable, some people interpret and experience as deeply loving, healing and kind.
And only direct, mutually loving, honest communicating of ones subjective personal boundaries and preferences in each new moment when they are relevent allows mutual understanding and thus respecting of them and of both - all people directly relating with each other at that unique present moment.
It is equally important, respectful, healing & loving to respect our own, each others & all people's diverse ranges of openness to intimate relational experiences & sharing in them together up to mutual comfort, as it is to respect each others honestly, clearly communicated boundaries in each moment they are felt and wanted to be understood & respected. This is essential to keep in mind when we interpret our own and each others offers, intentions and choices for communicating and relating.
For this is also how we grow & open into appreciating and experiencing loving and being loved in diversely nurturing, caring ways.